extra or ordinary

Sometimes i feel like i am doing something extraordinary. Every so often, whether it be standing on top of a snowy mountain, gazing up at an ornate cathedral ceiling, or walking down Melrose Avenue, identical terraced houses shrinking into the distance... I realise that i got myself here. My choice, my challenge; its a very personal thing that no-one could have forced me to do. I think about where i was a year ago, who i was a year ago, how much i knew myself, how much i thought i was capable of. I guess i have come a long way.

But then again i look at the people i work with. I realise that i am not really doing anything extraordinary, that i am not the hero i thought i was. there are people who have worked with these kids for so long, and they love them - you can see it so much. i wonder if i was to stay for a few more years, would i be like that? can i stay in the one place for that long. i don't feel like i am doing all i can. i feel like i am not doing enough - that i have gotten out of doing things, if not by my choice, but by practicality, because i am simply not going to be there long enough. I feel that lack of connection with them, and i guess it makes me feel inadequate.

Yesterday i was wheeling my girl Victoria around the playground field, with emily walking beside me. one moment she was talking away and the next moment from the corner of my eye i saw her sieze up, and with a loud bang she fell stiff as a pole straight down, the first thing to hit the ground being her forehead, luckily protected by a helmet she has to wear for that purpose. ten seconds later she'd stopped fitting and was on the ground crying, disorientated, not knowing why she was on the ground, why her hand hurt. i couldn't believe how quickly it happened. It all happened behind the building with no one in site. so i carried her and pushed the wheelchair back to the playground and felt as shaky as she was. It was such a real moment, it wasn't an essay or a sympathetic conversation, it was a first hand experience.

i compare myself to Jay who works with emily. started at linden lodge when she was 17 and is 19 now. she is so mature, seems to know everything about how everything and everyone here works.

Then i feel like i am either being too stupid or too perceptive. I feel like i read into how everyone acts and reacts to everything and everyone, and it makes me very cautious and apprehensive. i guess it shows as being a lack of confidence, or a stupidity in not knowing what to do or the courage to ask.

i guess i am still not as mature as i like to think i have become. that takes years and experiences, not six months of being overseas.

i guess 'extraordinary' is very relative. You could be extraordinary for cooking a new recipe, or you could be extraordinary for taking care of someone with epilepsy. it depends on what you have done and what you have improved about yourself. you can't count yourself as being extraordinary just because you saved fifty more lives at the hospital than your collegue.