crisis mode

I just realised why I have been in a crisis lately: i haven't written a diary for ages. I have written something about every day for the past seven years, and in the last month i have been too busy. It used to be my way to reflect on things, to sum up and order all the things in my head.

So: things that have happened lately:

Last week i got my P's. Afterwards i got out of the car and realised i had put the L plate upside down. Then i realised i had parked in an emergency clearance zone.

Tuesday night i called my boss rose to tell her i am resigning in three weeks. I had been pre-emting it for a few days, and just couldn't bring myself to do it. It was the hardest thing i have ever had to do, because she has lived next to me, 8 hours a day at least five days a week for the past three months, we've eaten chinese, pizza, had a few drinks together, and i've been the victim of her strange personality. She literally changes her stance on things mid-sentence.

I knew i had to tell her soon because she needs to replace me. Number one employers mistake: never make an employee indispensible. So now i have to train this russian girl who speaks no english and types slower than a frozen tortiose.

I rang her to tell her because it was the only way i could do it. I hd to make up this mig story that my cousin owns a guesthouse in england (wich is true), and that she'd offered me a job there (which is not true). I just said "rose i don't know how to say this, but i've been offered this job in england." There was asilence, jsut like in the movies. Then she went off at me, and she got louder and louder and the things she was saying got mor and more irrational: escelating to:"

i HOPE YOU ARE SWIMMING IN SHIT FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE."

"I have never wished this on anyone else before, BUT I WISH YOU BAD LUCK FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE. WHAT YOU'VE DONE TO ME WILL COME BACK, I HOPE IT HAPPENS WHEN YOU ARE FLYING."

I could hear her sobbing, and i started sobbing a bit, but tried to not let her get to me, as i have done for the past three months. Laughing at her jokes like "i should make a tape saying "stuuupiddd peeeeople" because can you see, amy, how everyone is so STUPID."...."I can't deal with these mental people."

The next day when i walked in to the kitchen at work my heart was pulsing so hard in my chest i thought it would burst out on to the kitchen bench and rose would eat it infront of me. But i was greeted with a hot breakfast. I gave her my letter of notice and she said "how this can happen? how long you've been going behind my back?" Then she switched personalitiies again and started crying and said "my girl, you've become my long-lost daughter. I've grown you wings, and now you have to fly. You are so good, which is why i have to let you go."

Then she hugged me and drew back holding my hands and looking into my eyes. She was crying and i couldn't tell whether she was going to make out with me or draw a carving knife out from her boobs.

Apparently she had stayed up the night i told her until 1am talking with the russian girl, drinking wine and bitching about me - but i think she must have had some sense talked into her.

I am living a lie. To save me from a previous lie.

But there is no other way i could have done it.